I'm nearly 33 weeks pregnant now, and feeling like a whale. Sleeping has become an Olympic event, because I can rarely find a comfortable position, and of course, as soon as I do, my bladder likes to remind me how small it is right now. I am finding myself sleeping on the couch more and more, because I can lay with my back against the cushions and my belly supported with pillows - the bed is just too small for that. The nausea still hasn't gone away, and I'm just accepting that it's not going to. It's only really bad when I'm riding in a car, so I guess that's good. I have another OB appointment tomorrow, and I'm really curious to see what my fundal height is - I feel like I've grown a ton these last couple weeks.
It's really hard to believe that there is only a little over a month left to my pregnancy if we decide to go at 37 weeks. This month is going to fly by - I can tell already. I have noticed that I'm a little more emotional each day I get closer to having Eden. I'm thinking more often about the inevitable, and it's hard not to think of the coming holidays and know that our family will be a person short. My sweet little girl will never get to experience a family Thanksgiving or Christmas complete with her Grammy giving her cookie after cookie. I won't be able to see the look of excitement on her face on Christmas morning, or have her grow up and start begging me for a million toys each year as the holidays get closer. I want so badly for this little girl to keep me up all night, or nurse a million times a day so I can get nothing done, or stand at the fridge and whine every 10 minutes for some more cheese. I wish I could struggle to breastfeed her, or wonder if I'm making enough milk for her, or wonder why she was born so huge, but grows so slowly. I wish I could experience everything that I've experienced with Brooklyn with my dear Eden, but I know this is going to be a completely different experience. I know I'm already so in love with Eden, and I know that love will grow when I see her for the first time, and it pains me so much to know that I have to hand her right back to God. It downright isn't fair, but I know nobody ever promised me life would be fair nor easy.
I have so many conflicting thoughts throughout the day. I want to not be pregnant anymore, but I'm not ready to give up Eden. I want to meet her, but I don't want to say goodbye to her. The thought of her being cremated disturbs me, but so does the alternative. I tried talking to James the other day about what the "better" option was because I desperately want to know we're making the right decision, but let's be realistic, there IS no better option. The better option would be not having to make this decision in the first place. I am just so incredibly thankful for all the friends and family support that I have through this. My mom has been amazing, even though I know she is struggling with this almost as much as I am. She makes a point to come visit with me, or let me nap, or help me around the house. The last few times we've gone somewhere, we've come home to a really clean home, and it's such a weight off my shoulders to not come home to a messy house. It's getting harder for me to bend down and pick up Brooklyn's toys and such, so a lot of the time picking up just gets neglected.
Please continue thinking and praying for us, and please keep my friend, Jenny, in your prayers as well. I've mentioned her and her son, Gideon, before, and she's been a really precious friend to me through this. I'm blessed to have "met" her, even though it is through the sucky circumstances of anencephaly. I wish we weren't states apart!
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