People keep telling me how strong I am. I may appear to be strong through my writing, or because I'm going about my days the best I can, or because I'm carrying Eden as long as I'm supposed to, but it's not me who is getting me through it, it's God. And honestly, I don't feel strong at all. Some days are definitely easier than others. A couple days ago when we had our ultrasound, I was happy. I was happy we were seeing our beautiful daughter, I was happy I could see personality in her, I was happy that God blessed us with this little girl, and that He had given us peace and allowed us to enjoy the ultrasound without sadness. Yesterday and today I've just felt like a mess.
Yesterday I slept in. It felt good to finally get some sleep, but it really sort of depressed me that I had "wasted" a good portion of the day sleeping. We went grocery shopping, went out to eat, and to everyone else just seemed like a normal family with a toddler. People didn't know I couldn't even look at the baby department. They didn't know that I'd look at a fully pregnant woman or women with brand new babies and feel a deep sadness and twinge of jealousy at their healthy babies. Being in public was hard - my only relief was that I'm not really showing too much yet, so instead of looking like a pregnant lady which leaves me totally exposed to a myriad of comments and questions from strangers, I just look fat. I am fine with looking fat right now. That evening I slept some more - a late evening nap that didn't leave me tired until after midnight.
Last night was filled with restless sleep. I kept waking throughout the night, tossing and turning, and woke up this morning feeling exhausted. My immune system seems to be compromised because my allergies are in full force and not letting up. Today we went to church and someone who knows I'm pregnant asked me if we found out the gender yet. I told her our baby was going to be a girl, and I tried desperately to hold back tears. How do you tell someone who asks about the baby you are carrying that the baby has a defect and isn't going to have a long life here with us? How do you tell your step-daughter of 12 years that no, Brooklyn and Eden aren't going to be handfuls when they are 12 and 13, because Eden is never going to live to be 12 years old? We explained to Madelyn several days ago that the baby has something wrong with her and isn't going to live, but she seems to have forgotten or is confused, and I just don't know how to deal with that. Thank goodness for her Dad (who has explained it to her again since), because all I can do is force a smile and nod, then run off to the bathroom to cry. That's exactly what I did at church, too. I ran off to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes, then went back to my seat and made eye-contact with no one. Luckily nobody else spoke to me, because I would have lost it no matter what they said.
Once we got home from church, I slept some more. It seems all I want to do today is sleep and cry - today isn't one of my "strong" days. I've been short with my husband, short with Brooklyn, and short with myself. It's a day that is filled with anger. It's so hard not to be angry at this situation. Frankly it really sucks, and it isn't fair. It's hard not to think this is a punishment for something, that maybe I don't pray enough, or maybe I don't read my Bible enough, or I lose my patience too quickly. I know that this isn't a punishment - God doesn't work like that, but who else can I blame if I can't blame myself? I guess there really isn't anyone to blame for this. It's just part of the plan...
For whatever reason, that I'll probably never understand, God choose to give us this child, and choose for her to have a short life here on Earth. On my good days, I come up with all sorts of things that maybe we are meant to do with Eden's life to bless others. Maybe we are meant to donate organ tissue (if the Missouri Organ donation people would ever email me back with a yes or no answer - I don't think it'll be likely), or maybe I'm meant to pump and donate breast milk to someone who can't breastfeed, or maybe we are meant to help someone else get through a tragedy like ours. But why me? Why us? Why our family?! I'm not some overly important person with some kind of huge influence on the world. I'm not someone who knows a million people, or a person who can even make the story of Eden's life reach more than the same 50 people each day. So why were we chosen to carry the burden of losing a child, when we can't even do anything with it to make a significant impact on the world? Why weren't we meant to raise Eden and watch her grow up? Why does God want me to carry this child just to lose her? Why can't I just keep my baby? It isn't fair.
Please continue to pray for us and for strength. I know the worst days aren't even here yet, but some of these days are really hard to get through.
Dearest Gin, I am so sorry for your pain, please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteNothing about this is fair, no one has ever said that life was fair, fairness is an assumption we all make and think we are entitled to. That being said, this still totally sucks.
Although it doesn't feel like it, God has smiled on you and is giving you some time with your little Eden Marie here on earth.
You should not feel you or she needs to make a huge impact on the world or be strong for everyone around you. That's not what this is about. You and James and Brooklyn just have to get through it and enjoy her presence for as long as you are able while she is here. That is all you should be worrying about. Her impact in the world right now is with you and your family and how it affects all of the rest of us. Many of us (your friends and family) now have an understanding of this awful affliction that we may not have had before, that's an impact, smallish but an impact it is. There are also many of us that are looking at our children in a new light because what has happened to you can happen to anyone and it has made us say a new prayer of thanks that may not have been said otherwise.. That being said, just take care of yourself and Eden and James and Brooklyn as best as you can.
You say you are not a big important person, you are wrong about that, please remember how very important you are to James, Brooklyn and of course Eden, (she couldn't be here and you wouldn't be getting to know her without you after all). Although she won't be here long, she wouldn't have been here at all and been as loved as she is without you and James. I think that makes you pretty important...
There will come a time when you can concentrate further on how to bring her story to the world and maybe make her life more meaningful to the rest of humanity, if you still feel the need to. You don't have to do that now. You can continue your blog publicly or you can keep it privately and publish it at some later date. It is what her life means to you and those who are close to you that matters right now. Cherish this time, realize that God doesn't give us what we can't handle, and know that there are many who love you and support you in your time of need.
As far as meeting people in church, perhaps you can speak with the minister and have him ask for prayers for you and your family during this time, with some explanation of your situation. You could maybe skip that week's church service. Later, when you go back to church,there may be someone who can sort of hang around with you guys and run some interference when well wishers come around who may not know what is going on.
I hope I haven't upset you more, that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I love you guys very much and will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts, feel free to call if you ever need to talk.
Love and Hugs, Aunt Nese
I commented on a previous post about your 3D u/s knowing exactly how you felt that day & reading this I was just nodding the whole time. I pray that God will bless you with peace & when you are overwhelmed with sorrow you will draw nigh unto Him while He draws nigh unto you. Please feel free to email me if you would like to chat or want to vent to someone that truly understands. Know that having anencephaly truly is a blessing in its own way. God is using you for good already (Romans 8:28) ...
ReplyDeleteGod Bless!
~Jenny
Jennymcginnis31@gmail.com
'I'm not some overly important person with some kind of huge influence on the world."
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE! You can be! To God you are that precious child. He is showing you and others His love for us and how BIG that is! Whether you feel it or not, you just being you may be all it takes for others to see God's love.
Been there. I do finally get it. Read Job 1. Satan took everything away from him, and Job still gives all glowing to God.
Not that I feel like I deserve it... but someone told me "You are going to have so many jewels in your crown in Heaven." WOW, how wonderful that would be.
My Kendall and Eden have said, "Here I am. Lord send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) Their little lives are powerful and worth SO MUCH!
I know it isn't "fair"... but what you are doing is all worth it. Keep up the good work!
^Glory, not glowing
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