Peace Lily

I think I've said this before, but God has given me tremendous peace. I read a blog that described this journey of carrying a child with anencephaly as a series of peaks and valleys. It's surprising, especially to myself, but through this so far, God's given me more peaks than valleys. I'm able to laugh with my family, and smile, and sew, and complete my homework, and smile at Eden's kicks, and do all the other stuff that is part of my normal life, and I think I appreciate it all just a little more than I used to. Of course, there are times when I get sad because it'll just hit me outta nowhere that I'll never get to see Eden do the stuff that Brooklyn is doing, like learning to talk, or that I might never hear Eden cry or get to see her beautiful eyes, but then I remind myself that right now she's alive, and right now she's happy and safe inside me, and even once she's gone, only we are going to be sad. It isn't going to suck for her like it sucks for us - she gets to go be with Jesus, and she'll be sitting in my great-grandmother's arms watching out for us. It just sucks for us because we won't get to watch her grow up.

The MTHFR Gene Mutation

A couple days ago I received a call from the specialist's office, and they told me that my MTHFR test results were back. I have what is called a compound heterozygous mutation in my MTHFR gene. Though it looks like a text-speak derogatory remark, MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. When I asked what my diagnosis meant for future pregnancies, they told me that if I changed nothing, I'd have a 1 in 25 chance of this happening again. They said if I take 5mg of folic acid, that I would have a 1 in 50 chance of this happening again, and if I take the 5 mg of folic acid, plus a prescription called Methanx, that I would have a 1 in 100 chance of this happening again. A "normal" person is said to have a 1 in 1000 chance of this happening. I cried after learning all this. However, the more I've researched the mutation that I have, the more in control I feel, and the more I question if the numbers the doctor's office gave are fully accurate. I'm actually very curious as to where their numbers came from, and I plan on asking the next time I speak with them. I also don't think their "solution" is the only solution or the best solution that is out there for this.

It Isn't Fair

People keep telling me how strong I am. I may appear to be strong through my writing, or because I'm going about my days the best I can, or because I'm carrying Eden as long as I'm supposed to, but it's not me who is getting me through it, it's God. And honestly, I don't feel strong at all. Some days are definitely easier than others. A couple days ago when we had our ultrasound, I was happy. I was happy we were seeing our beautiful daughter, I was happy I could see personality in her, I was happy that God blessed us with this little girl, and that He had given us peace and allowed us to enjoy the ultrasound without sadness. Yesterday and today I've just felt like a mess.

Our First 3D/4D Ultrasound

Today we had our first 3D/4D ultrasound that some family members blessed us with for my birthday. It was utterly amazing. Words really can't describe the joy we both felt as we watched our daughter sucking on her hands and wiggling away from the ultrasound wand.

From Daddy's Eyes

The day that we found out that Eden Marie had a birth defect, was the worse day I have ever had. We are going to lose our child, our little girl. The moment the doctor told us that she has a 100% lethal defect, my world stopped. I remember looking at Virginia with tears streaming down my face as she sat there crying with her face in her hands. My mind started racing, how could this happen to us, how are we going to make it through this, what is our next step? My mind couldn’t slow down as we held each other and the questions going through my head went on and on. How is Virginia going to ever be able to go through a full term pregnancy? I felt like I needed to get it together. The only way to get through this first part was to maintain order and worry about my wife and family. I kept telling myself that my feelings didn’t matter right now. My priority is Virginia, and she needs me like she never has before right now.

Mommy's Birthday

Today was my birthday. It really was a day of mixed emotions. I woke up fairly early after another restless night, and was greeted with breakfast from my amazing husband. He really is do everything "right" through all this... I really wanted to be mad at him at first for going about life and watching TV and playing and laughing with Brooklyn, etc., but it's exactly what he needs to do. He's supporting me, and he's always lending a shoulder for me to cry on, but Brooklyn needs him to be playing and laughing with her, because it's not that easy for me yet. I know it's different for him than it is for me because he isn't carrying Eden, and he may never feel the pain quite the same as I am, but I know he's still feeling the pain of losing a child.

Eden Marie

She's a girl!

On July 3rd, we had Eden's "20 week" ultrasound. Our only concern was whether she was a boy or a girl. The ultrasound seemed to be pretty standard. The tech chatted with us about Brooklyn, our first daughter, we found out Eden was a girl when she finally uncrossed her legs, and the tech left the room at the end to go get our pictures. During that time, James and I discussed the name. Prior to finding out Eden was a girl, we hadn't thought of any girl names.

He suggested Eden, and I immediately fell in love with the name - he always suggests the most beautiful names. We decided Eden Marie would be our baby girl's name, and we were so excited. The tech took a long time coming back to the room, but we weren't sure why - we never even dreamed it was because something was wrong. When she finally came back, she handed us three pictures; one of Eden's arms and hands, one of her foot, and one of her "girl parts". I was disappointed we didn't get one of her little face, but I assumed it was because she was so wiggly, and the tech couldn't get a good enough picture. The whole time I was there, it never occurred to me to ask if everything looked okay, because I guess I just assumed it did. I guess it was a blessing I didn't think to ask, so the memory and joy of finding out our baby is a girl wouldn't be tainted in that moment.