Merry Christmas, Eden

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve again already. The year has absolutely flown by, and while I'm excited for tomorrow morning when Brooklyn comes down our stairs to open Christmas gifts, and excited to head over to my parents' house to spend time with family, I miss Eden in a special way tonight. It's kind of crazy to think she would have been over a year old for this Christmas, and she would have absolutely loved to play with all the wrapping paper and be surrounded by family. I know she's in Heaven right now, rejoicing for the one Gift that truly matters in this world, but that still doesn't make me wish any less that she were here to celebrate Christmas with her family.


Eden was always a gift to us, and to the world. She was a complete blessing, and even though I wish she could have stayed on this earth with us longer, I wouldn't trade a single second of her life for the world. Eden made her impact on the world with the little time she had. She has certainly changed me and the person I am. Because of her, I've been gifted with the knowledge of my gene mutation. Because of her, I've met a few amazing mamas who've shared my journey. Because of her, I was able to donate 6383 ounces of breastmilk to other babies, and even wet nurse for a baby a few times. Because of her, countless lives have been touched, and I like to think that lives may have even been saved because of her story.

Sometime earlier in the year, before I was pregnant, I had a dream. I believe it was a gift of Eden, to help bring me a bit of peace. Obviously losing another baby is a fear I have, and will probably always have, but in this dream, I saw Brooklyn, just a year or so older, playing with a little baby. It was a healthy, beautiful, light-haired, little girl, and her name was Rosalie. Eden wasn't there, but I could feel her presence, perhaps watching after the two girls playing. Somehow I just knew that little baby was Brooklyn's and Eden's little sister. The dream felt more real to me than any other dream I've ever had, and I truly believe it was a glimpse into what was to come. When I found out I was pregnant in September, I had a gut feeling it was a girl, and I never was quite as afraid of her having anencephaly as I thought I would have been once pregnant.

The most beautiful round head I've ever seen.

 A week ago we had our routine anatomy ultrasound. I was 18 weeks, just as I was when we got Eden's diagnosis of anencephaly, but as soon as the ultrasound tech pressed the wand to my stomach, I was blessed to see a big, round, beautiful head in the picture. It seems like such a simple thing, a round head showing up on an ultrasound, and it's completely expected in normal pregnancies. Before Eden, I took it completely for granted, but now it's a sight that brings tears to my eyes. I get emotional looking at anyone's ultrasound when I see that beautiful head in the picture.

I also got to see that this beautiful, healthy little baby is indeed a girl. She is my precious little Rosalie Ann, the child from my dreams that Eden allowed me to see, named after one of my grandmothers. I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to know that this baby is healthy, and I can't wait to meet her in May. I am so much more at peace with the pregnancy knowing  Rosalie is healthy, and I have been able to really enjoy being pregnant this time around. This pregnancy is a lot different physically than my previous two pregnancies. I think part of it is not eating wheat anymore, part of it is weighing less than I did with both girls, and part of it is regular chiropractor appointments. With both Brooklyn and Eden, I had horrible morning sickness all throughout the entire pregnancy, which made it so hard to really enjoy being pregnant. This time around, I had pretty severe morning sickness for about 6 weeks, and it just went away. I only get nauseous when I get overheated, or when I accidentally eat something with gluten in it (I know almost right away too, because it only takes minutes for the nausea to set in, and then it lasts a few days!) I can say that I actually enjoying being pregnant right now, which isn't something I normally say when I'm pregnant!

Now it's time that I head to bed, since it's very late and I'll probably be up in just a couple hours unable to sleep through my excitement of Brooklyn's Christmas morning, and so I wish you all a Merry Christmas, especially my little girl up in Heaven, and I hope that your holiday is as blessed as mine is.