Eden's 2nd Birthday

Eden's second birthday is very quickly approaching. Last year, I embraced my sadness, and I was able to mourn and celebrate my daughter in the days leading up to and on her birthday, but this year I feel like I've tried not to think about it, and I have realized that I've been avoiding my own feelings about it, because things are different this year. Last year I was pregnant. I was around 15 weeks or so along, and I was mostly assured that we were expecting a healthy baby, but I don't think the reality that we'd have a baby in the end kicked in until much later. This year I have that healthy baby. She's a beautiful, and wonderful 6 month old who gives me so much joy that I feel like my heart will burst when I look at her. She fits into our family so perfectly that I can't imagine a life without her in it, but I know that if Eden had been healthy, we probably wouldn't have our little Rosalie, and that reality tears at my emotions.

Eden is a Big Sister!

I should have posted an update about Rosalie sooner, I know this, and I apologize to those who've been wondering about us. Thank you to the people who have reached out asking for an update! The reason for the delay is I've been struggling with how exactly to announce Rosalie's birth on this blog, because I know that many of my readers (especially new readers who come across our blog) are moms or dads who've recently been given a diagnosis of anencephaly or other fatal birth defect in their precious child. I want to be sensitive to that, and not have the first post they see on my blog to be this huge birth announcement announcing a healthy baby when they are expecting to find a story similar to their own. At the same time though, I want to give hope to those parents. Because there is hope - I was so afraid of never having another healthy baby after we lost Eden, but our precious rainbow baby was born absolutely perfect and is completely healthy. She is truly a blessing.

Merry Christmas, Eden

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve again already. The year has absolutely flown by, and while I'm excited for tomorrow morning when Brooklyn comes down our stairs to open Christmas gifts, and excited to head over to my parents' house to spend time with family, I miss Eden in a special way tonight. It's kind of crazy to think she would have been over a year old for this Christmas, and she would have absolutely loved to play with all the wrapping paper and be surrounded by family. I know she's in Heaven right now, rejoicing for the one Gift that truly matters in this world, but that still doesn't make me wish any less that she were here to celebrate Christmas with her family.

September Update

Thing had been seeming very down lately. James had lost his job a couple months ago, bills were piling up, and it seemed like my body wasn't planning on regulating itself anytime soon, but last week suddenly everything changed. A couple weeks ago James found an ad for a job online and submitted his resume. Within minutes he got a call for a same-day interview! The interview went great and then we waited. After not hearing back for several days, James called the company back, and they had him come in for a meeting with the owner of the company - the next day he was working his new job for more than his old job paid and closer to home than his old job! Praise God! 

I'm still here...

I know I haven't updated in a while. I kept meaning to, and then I start doing something else, or my thoughts get interrupted, and I just never get through an entire post without scraping it. I can't believe Eden would be going on 5 months already. Time goes by so incredibly fast. They said it goes by faster as you age, but I guess I never believed it when I was a kid.

Missing Eden

We miss Eden so much... I can't believe that she would have already been 2 weeks old  tomorrow. Time goes by so fast, and already details from her birth and short time with us are getting fuzzy. I cry daily, more so at night than during the day. I guess I keep busy enough during the day to stay distracted, but things slow down in the evening and my mind is filled with thoughts and memories of our little girl.

Eden's Memorial

Saturday we opened up our home to friends and family that were able to come and celebrate Eden's life with us. My dad made a really beautiful picture video that we played all day long on the television, and people filled our living room and kitchen. We told people anytime after 10, and most of everyone who came arrived just after 10 - at one point we had over 30 people in the house at once!

Eden's Birth

This is going to be long, because I don't want to forget anymore details.

Monday morning James went to work like normal. He dropped Brooklyn off at my parents' house so I could get some rest (because she likes to wake up at 5:30 now). I remember waking up at about 8:00 and feeling some stomach cramps. I briefly thought that it felt like the cramps I had when I went into labor with Brooklyn, then I turned back over and fell back asleep. I woke up at about 9:00 and noticed a few more light cramps, and they'd come and go. All morning I had light cramps, and at about noon I started to time them. They were coming every 2-3 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds each. They were fairly mild, more of a tightening sensation than anything, and I was exciting wondering if I was in labor. By 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I was pretty sure I was in labor, but I wasn't sure if my contractions were doing much since they weren't lasting too long. I couldn't tell if Eden was head-down or not, but I thought maybe she was head-down because of the pressure in my pelvis with each contraction.

Happy Birthday, Eden Marie

Eden Marie was born Monday, November 26th at 11:20pm. She was 6lbs, 13oz and 18.75 inches long. She lived a beautiful 6 hours and 27 minutes with us before she went to be in her Mema's arms in Heaven....we are so incredibly blessed to have such a beautiful daughter, and we are so proud and honored to have been chosen to be Eden's parents. Things aren't easy for us right now, and my arms are aching to hold my sweet girl just one more time, but as I'm able to, I'll write and post our birth story, and some of the amazing things Eden did. Eden was and is perfect, and I wouldn't trade a single second we had with her for the world. She was SUCH a miracle, and you can take everything you ever read in a textbook about anencephaly and toss it aside, because they are wrong. I'll leave you with some pictures and the promise of more updates later. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Tiny, beautiful feet.

She was a chubby little girl! <3

Christmas Photo

Still Pregnant, Still Stressed

This past week has been pretty much about how the rest of the year is going. I won't go into details, because it isn't my place to do so, but I nearly lost another family member, and one of my grandfathers had a stroke last week. Thank God they are both doing alright now, but this whole past week I've just been sitting here wondering what would be coming next. I just don't understand why our family can't just catch a break. It really doesn't seem fair.

This feels so wrong to be writing...

I don't even know how to start this post... I'm at a loss for words, and each blog post I write comes with the pain of my reality, and I don't know how to deal with this reality. Saturday morning, at about 1 or 2 in the morning, we were awoken by my parents coming into our house. My mom said she had to tell me something, and from just looking at her face, I knew. My grandmother, Mema, had passed away. My sweet Mema...the one person who would call every single birthday and sing to us, the person who used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to me, and take nature walks with us kids collecting little rocks, and nuts, and flowers, and could always find a four-leaf clover every time she looked at the ground.

Praise You In This Storm

Today I stumbled across a facebook page about a little boy named Noah. On October 5th, Noah was born with anencephaly, and he will be two weeks old in just a couple days. Little Noah is truly a miracle, and I pray that we can even hope for that long with Eden! Here is his facebook page if you'd like to give it a visit. Noah's story gives me such hope, and I'm going to be keeping this little boy and his family in my prayers.

Some Maternity Pictures

We got back our maternity pictures! Here are some of our favourites!

Maternity Photo Shoot and Nearly 33 Weeks

Yesterday I had maternity photos done by a really nice photographer, Lori, that works with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. NILMDTS is an organization that provides remembrance photography for families suffering the loss or impending loss of an infant. We went to Branson, MO for our maternity pictures, which is almost 100 miles away, but it was totally worth it. I am totally excited and can't wait to get to see our photos! I'll post a few when we get them back. If you want to see some of the other photos she's done, you can look at her website here. She specializes in baby and child photography, and her work is truly beautiful! If we ever get it in the budget, we'd love to go back to her and do family photos sometime!

My Angel Shower

Saturday my mom and her friend, Sherry, threw me an Angel Shower. An Angel Shower is similar to a baby shower, with a few obvious changes. The purpose is to celebrate the life of the child that isn't going to get to stay on Earth after birth. Instead of the guests bringing gifts like baby clothes and toys, they instead bring things for the parents to help remember the baby, or maybe a giftcard to somewhere, or something for the other child or children.

The Tiny Rosebud

I have lots to share from today, but I'm completely exhausted and headed to bed, but promise to update soon. For now, I'll leave you with a beautiful poem that my friend, Sherry, modified for little Eden (original poem written by Helen Steiner Rice).

29 Weeks...and complaining.

I've been avoiding blogging these past couple weeks, because it seems all I can do is complain, and I feel so guilty when I complain, because I'm complaining about part of the only time I'm going to get with Eden...talk about feeling like a horrible mother. But maybe I'm allowed to complain a bit. It's possible to love Eden, and her every (mostly painful) kicks, and still hate being pregnant. I remember hating being pregnant with Brooklyn too - I think I even vaguely remember saying I'd never do this whole pregnancy thing again, which is how I feel right now, but I know I'll eventually forget how miserable I feel while pregnant, like I obviously did when we decided to have a second child...It just sucks. I guess I assumed being 40lbs lighter would make this physically easier on my body, but apparently 40lbs wasn't enough.

A Couple Pictures of Eden

James's parents took us out to dinner tonight in town. While we were there, the waitress, who is an acquaintance that I used to work with, was commenting on Brooklyn and stuff, and then asked if we were ever going to have another one. I really didn't know how to respond. I think I said, "Um...yeah...." and she just took it at that and went on with whatever she was saying...I think if she hadn't responded so quickly, I would have figured out how to explain that I was currently pregnant (I thought I was obviously pregnant...guess not?), and explained Eden's anencephaly to her, but she didn't give me the chance. Just another reason I need to stop procrastinating and just make some cards to give to people. I felt really weird and flustered the rest of dinner.

More Blessings

Today some blessings arrived in the mail. The first package was the breast pump that was donated to me that is going to enable me to pump and donate milk once I give birth. This was really important to me, because it doesn't look like donating Eden's organs is going to be an option. To be able to donate her milk to another mama who needs it will really make me happy - I've always wanted to donate breastmilk, but I never could get significant amounts while also breastfeeding a newborn on demand - I probably wasn't committed enough, or maybe Brooklyn was just a little piggy, but only after she went to bed and it had been several hours could I get more than a half ounce for all my efforts.

Happy V-day My Sweet Girl

Today I am 24 weeks, which means today is Eden's V-day. V-day stands for "viability day". This day is usually a huge sigh of relief to moms, because it means if their baby was born now, there is a chance of them surviving outside of the womb, though not without a lot of help. In actuality, the "viability" of each baby can vary to a degree (some have survived who were born at 23 weeks), but most hospitals have policies that require a baby to be 24 weeks before they'll use extreme measures to keep the baby alive. This day was a day I was so excited and relieved to hit with Brooklyn...I felt so SAFE once I hit 24 weeks, especially since girls seem to have better survival rates when born very prematurely.